Warning+Signs

**__ Warning signs of an Abuser __** On the other hand, there are ways to avoid an abusive experience or an abusive partner, by noticing the signs of an abuser. How to know if the person you are going to share your life with will take care of you physically, emotionally, with love and respect. Many of this signs we confuse them for love, but believe me they are not. Someone that loves you will respect your ideas and dreams, will not question where are you going or tell you what to do, control everything you do, and make you feel bad about yourself, and most of all will not hurt you in any way. Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:

v Charm- Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage. For example, he will ask, if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, “yes”, he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children.
 * Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.
 * The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.

v Isolation- Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially.

Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/ or relocating to a rural area. Social isolation abusers begin with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers.
 * He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her.
 * He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.

v Jealousy- is a tool abusers use to control victim He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller.
 * Abusers routinely call their victims whores or sluts.

v Emotional Abuse- The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim’s self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, put her down, calls her names and makes threats against her.
 * Over time, she no longer believes she deserves, to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence.
 * For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult, to heal from than the physical abuse.

v Control- Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim’s life:
 * Where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to.
 * He will control the money and access to money

Abusers are very controlled people. While they appeared to go into a rage or be out of control, we know they are very much in control of their behavior. Abusers use many excuses for their abusive behavior, the most common one is anger and rage, but there are reasons to believe his behavior is not about anger or rage. These are the reason why is not about anger or rage:

v He does not batter other individuals. The boss, who does not give him time off, or the gas station attendant, that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves. If he were truly “out of control”, he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so. v The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control or in a rage”, he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
 * If you ask an abused woman, “can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?” she will say “yes”.
 * ====== Most often, when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. ======