The+Mind+of+the+Abuser

The Mind of the Abuser

**__ In the Mind of the Abuser __**

Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they do not have to follow the same rules everyone else does. Rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics.

v Excuse Making= Not accepting responsibility for his action, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: “My parents never loved me” or “ I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper” or “ I couldn’t let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do”. v Blaming - The abuser will shift responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the other person supposedly “caused” his behavior. For example: “If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them.” He may say: “She pushes my buttons.” Statements like this are victim blaming. If he really had buttons that she could push, she would push the one that says, “vacuum” instead the one that says, “hit me”.

v Redefining- in a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world in general. For example: the abuser does not come home for dinner at 6:00 p.m. as he said he would; he comes home at 4:00 a.m. Then he says: “You’re an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn’t even eat it.”

v Success Fantasies- The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful If only other people were not “holding me back.” He uses this belief to justify his abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making he look superior.

v Lying- the abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-valance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he is lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he is telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.

v Assuming- Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they “know” what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, “I knew you’d be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself.”

v Above the rules- As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people are and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. An abuser shows “above- the- rules” thinking when he says, for example,
 * Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not.
 * “I do not need batterer intervention. I am different from those other men. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family.”

v Making fool of others- the abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and encouraging a fight between or among others. He may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on her or his good side.

v Fragmentation- the abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separated from the rest of his life. The separation is physical The separation is psychological
 * For example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home.
 * For example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night.
 * He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.

v Minimizing- the abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, “I did not hit you hard” or “I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all.”

v Vagueness- thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, “I am late because I had some things to do on the way home.”

v Anger- abusive people are not actually angrier than other people are. However, they are deliberately appearing to be angry to control situations and people.

v Power plays- the abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim.
 * Organizes other family members, or associates to “gang up” on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.

v Playing Victim- occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. The abuser thinks that if he does not get what he wants, he is the victim The abusers will often claim to be the victim, In order to avoid being held accountable, by law enforcement. He will display what are clearly defensive wounds He will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when, v Drama and Excitement- abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Often, they will use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation. v Closed channel- the abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feeling. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how other sees him.
 * He uses the disguise of victim to get back at or make fools of others.
 * He may assert she was the one who was violent.
 * Such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she “attacked” him.
 * He was trying to keep her from hurting, herself.
 * Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar.
 * He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.

v Ownership- the abuser typically is very possessive. He believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his.
 * That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions.
 * It justifies his controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and talking things that belong to them.

v Self-glorification- the abuser usually thinks of him as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy or adventurer type.
 * When anyone says or does anything that does not fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.